In Other News...

*Tom Daschle was finally reached for comment after his humiliating defeat at the hands of John Thune. Reporters pressed the defeated Senate Minority Leader (it is delicious to say those words) with a barrage of questions, but Citizen Daschle's only response was the declaration: "I'm Rick James, bitch."

*New T-shirt debuts today, reads: "F*** N.Y. I HEART OHIO"

*Kids For Kerry declares a hunger strike in protest of the election results, refusing to eat their Wheaties.

*Matt Drudge is wondering where Michael Moore is. I'm wondering how you could miss him?

*Reports have emerged that Teresa Heinz Kerry and George Soros are now on their third bottle of Wild Turkey, engaged in a brutal game of Russian Roulette. Mr. Soros' last attempt produced naught but the click of an empty chamber. Disgusted, enraged and menopausal, Mrs. Heinz Kerry demanded a recount and declared that she was flying in a team of lawyers to dispute the results.

*I was offered the first job I applied for, and a higher position than I applied for as well. What a great f***ing 24 hours.