Rant: F*** ESPN

I've had it with ESPN.com. They have officially jumped the f'in' shark. I'm switching over to SportingNews.com. I had a feeling that any legitimacy ESPN had was lost with the untimely passing of Ralph Wiley (when is death really ever timely?), but my fears have been confirmed.

Reason 1: Politics? Yes. For Pete's sake, the ONE F'ING TIME I don't want to hear about BushKerry/KerryBush is when I'm looking for MLB scores from the previous night! Leave politics and baseball to George Will. George Will was kidnapped by aliens 50 years ago and his DNA genetically manipulated to give him the superhuman ability to bend aluminum AND to write intelligently, logically and reverently about sports and politics. Ralph Wiley had this ability as well, but the jackasses at ESPN.com don't hold a candle to Ralph Wiley and they shouldn't try. Seriously, I'm trying to get updated about the AL West pennant race and I have to hear about the political leanings of the Chuck Hirshbergs and Jim Caples of the world, as if I give a shit!

Reason 2: Where's the sports? It's like the MTV of sports news. I know that ESPN was built for Sports/Entertainment (just like the WWE, right?), but at this point, it's total overkill. They have this piece of crap called Page 2, where they obviously feel the need to talk about movies and some fake election they're having over there and it's all just multiple layers of thick bullshit. Really. These are people with nothing better to do with their lives than ramble on in a self-congratulatory manner about caca. Then again, I suppose I would too if I was PAID TO DO NOTHING.

Reason 3: The spawn of Page 2, Dan Shanoff. I sent a perfectly respectful e-mail to Mr. Shanoff today, after reading this comment posted at his "Daily Quickie":

"The Yankees reach 100 wins for the third straight season, the first time they've done that in franchise history, and become the fifth team to do it, following the '97-99 Braves, '69-71 Orioles, '42-44 Cardinals and '29-31 Philly A's.

Sorry, congrats are not in order. With that much talent and that much payroll, this team should have won 110."

Really? So you can't even congratulate a franchise for consistently putting a quality product on the field? They're only the 5th team in MLB HISTORY to accomplish what they have and congrats are not in order?

Here's something the former Harvard Business School atendee, Mr. Shanoff, posted at BlackTable.com; a "what-if-Kurt Cobain-had-lived", if you will:

"A 37-year-old Kurt Cobain wouldn't be pretty. Sure as he'd be coloring his hair, he'd have a blog. Oh lord, he'd have a blog. He'd have called his third solo record effort "Blogosphere" (or certainly had an eponymous single). Maybe blogs could have saved him, like they've saved so many other angst-ridden people in their 20s and 30s.

If nothing else, he'd have a "Celebrity Playlist" on iTunes. What you wouldn't see is all the Nirvana-derivative bands; they wouldn't exist, or, at least, they would need the imprimatur of Cobain -- he'd have a catch phrase of approval, like Randy Jackson's "What's up, Dawg?" Maybe he'd have even invented "What's up, Dawg?"

Do you see my point now? Apparently, all you need to do nowadays is place a pen and pad in the hand of an infant or chimpanzee and it passes for good writing. I think it's a safe assertion that Mr. Shanoff doesn't know shit about shit, although we're probably better off with him at a cubicle at ESPN HQ, as opposed to him sitting in a board room at Goldman Sachs, contributing to some project which will surely help to destroy a Lower East Side neighborhood. I shouldn't be surprised by anything Shanoff says, as he claims in an interview at the Gothamist.com, that the greatest New Yorkers of all time are the leftist Punch Sulzberger, former Fuhrer at that wonderful Communist party organ, the New York Times, and the microscopically proportionate, yet macroscopically racist Spike Lee. Apparently, no one informed Mr. Shanoff that the greatest New Yorker of all time is Jesus Christ.

To conclude, unlike those damn Yankees, congratulations are in order for you Mr. Shanoff. You've sealed the deal on my exit as a reader at ESPN.com (though I'll miss watching the 'Sports Guy' twist in the wind as his hapless Red Sox continue their uncharted foray into sucking). Further, I just noticed you are to be married this weekend.

I'll be sure to keep the bride to be in my prayers. Mazel tov!